More Important Things Than Centerpieces

Disclaimer: I’m not sure where this is going.

Last night, for some odd reason, I got in a mood. It came on suddenly after I stopped the repeats of SVU on Instant Netflix. It was a funk. After trying to figure out why I was suddenly in such a bad mood/pity party, I realized it was because I had so much going on in my head. I didn’t know what to actually think about and just kept bouncing around between subjects. See I’ve got a lot going on and especially a lot going on in my head right now. Every day I stare at lists trying to think about what to do next. This inevitably leads me to think about something else and then yet another something else and before I know it, I have no idea what I should be thinking about.

I’m in the midst of planning a wedding. The more I think about this task, the more I wish we were just having a simple reception, a fun party without all the hulabaloo. I’m divided. Part of me has always wanted that wonderful moment where you get to walk down the aisle in a beautiful dress, proclaim your love in front of everyone you love (and their brothers), and then celebrate with said people in an awesome fashion. I’ve become addicted to wedding blogs and wedding details. But this is also awful. On an episode of SVU last night, one of the couples being interviewed said they couldn’t afford hospital bills because they’d spent $90,000 on their wedding. (I find weddings every where these days). NINETY THOUSAND DOLLARS! I was immediately disgusted. Sure it’s just a TV show, but people really do that. Ugh. Yuck. Why would you ever spend that much money on ONE day?

This is the side of me that just wants to celebrate and have fun. Forget the centerpieces and servers, the buffets and menus, the escort cards and seating arrangements. (Just a note, we aren’t doing any of that). I just want to have a party. OK, but yeah, I do want the pretty cake and champagne toasts and first dances and last dances, the modified bouquet toss, the first look and guest book. I’m having trouble reconciling my two distinct opinions. And that’s stressing me out when it comes to actual planning. I can’t decide on anything because there are so many options. I worry about what might happen or what other options I could have, so I don’t choose anything. I don’t have “wedding colors” and a “wedding theme.” We have  a small budget, lots of guests and high expectations. I haven’t been dreaming about details for years. In fact, I promised myself I wouldn’t think about just so I wouldn’t jinx (yeah I’m one of those) my relationship. I know how to not count my eggs before they hatch, even if I have to remind myself.

And then there’s the outside influence. It’s our day, right? But I hear we don’t like this and we want that. It’s not JUST about us, it’s about our families and friends, too. It’s so funny how on any given blog (sometimes in the same posts) you will read both of those statements: It’s your day, do what you want AND It’s not just your day, it’s also about the people you love. Which is it? I want everyone to have fun. I want it to be a good time. But things have to get done. People have to help out; it’s not just a party.

You can see why this is so stressing.

In about two weeks, I’ll start full-time graduate school. I’m really excited but nervous. I’m worried about class schedule and work load. I’m fretting over grades. But mostly, I’m concerned about money. Not only am I going back to school and giving up my income, I’m also planning a wedding. I have to be in another wedding and then there’s another wedding we have to attend. There’s also travel for all three weddings and the holidays, not to mention gifts and thank yous. There’s books and school supplies, probably new software, a wedding ring and so many other expenses. And rent, food, internet and electricity. How we are ever going to make it through the next five months is completely beyond me. And my mind starts to worry again.

Every day I beat myself up mentally about making time to work out, eating better and well, yeah, losing weight. It’s a disease, really it must be, a self-conscious disease. I’ll run through in my head how terrible it is that I didn’t make the time and that I’m just being lazy. Tomorrow I have to do better. I’ll do pilates and cardio to make up for it. But of course, I only do one and the mental war continues. Sometimes I’m happy with myself and other times I’ll think about what I want to fix, which inevitably leads back to the self beat down because only I control how my body looks.

On top of all of that I get phone calls about someone close to me not being well. Now I feel guilty. I’m concerned about all these very trival things when someone I love is sick. It puts a lot in perspective. You’re supposed to keep going and do what you normally do, right? But then I feel guilty. There are much more important things than centerpieces.

It is true what they say about Catholics, we sure do know how to feel guilty. I’ve got it in spades. Like yesterday, I felt guilty because it was July and I hadn’t written a crappy blog post in a while. Hm, maybe I should have just NOT written anything?

As the disclaimer clearly states, I had no idea where this was going when I started. And honestly, I’m not sure what anyone else will get out of my rantings. I guess I realize everyone has a ton of thoughts bouncing around in their heads all day and multiple worries on top of it all. My morning bus ride is like my church. I plug in my ear buds and listen to some holy tunes (ha) and just flip though my thoughts. It’s simple and easy. I’m in a bubble with my music and coffee. I can take “me” time watching SVU all I want, but as soon as the TV is off and I’m trying to sleep, it’s rushing back. And I wake up to do it all over again. But that’s life — much more important things than centerpieces.

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  1. […] was loaded down with working part-time for my fellowship, taking classes full-time and planning my wedding, I also had a lot of […]

  2. […] scary concept. I won’t lie. It’s easy to do (the whole wedding part that is. OK, not really easy). But the thought of how quickly and how frequently marriages fail is scary, scary, […]



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